Possibilities
My job was posted on the interoffice job board today. It says “college degree required.” Amazing. I can’t even apply for my own job.
Also, I had a talk with Des this morning:
“Doesn’t he read that blog?” Des asked.
“I don’t care,” I replied. (I’m casting my care away, remember?)
“Just wondering,” Des said.
I didn’t mean to sound so indifferent. I continued. “I’m trying not to hesitate writing whatever the hell I feel like writing. He read it once. I doubt that he keeps up with it. But I suppose it’s a possibility.”
Des laughed.
I couldn’t help but wonder why she asked the question in the first place. “Do you think it is bad that I am saying these things with the possibility that he might see them? I refuse to censor myself. Are you getting at something?”
“No, I don’t think you should be censoring. I guess I was just wondering how you felt about the possibility that he might be reading,” Des answered.
I hesitated. It would be a lie to say that the possibility hadn’t crossed my mind. Then again, my mind is a junk drawer full of possibilities. “The possibility – and I would be shocked and flattered in a weird way – that he reads it makes me want to not see him more,” I said. “That may not make sense. But. Maybe because I am… because I write about him. And that’s gay. So he knows I’m gay. And not all calm and cool and whatevs about it. So it’s good. Because I should run away.”
“You are so emotionally retarded that it hurts me,” Des said with a smile.
“I love you.”
“I love you too, you silly betch.”
Tags: care, job, junk drawer, possibilities, possibility, scientific method
July 23rd, 2009 at 1:34 pm
I think if you do something gay, and the other other person doesn’t look away- that’s something special. Not looking away is the hardest thing to do.
September 2nd, 2009 at 12:09 am
[...] to write this blog for hours. The task has proved difficult because although I swore not to censor my writing, I also don’t want to make accusations or speak about a personal life other than [...]
December 4th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
[...] know why, but I’m not going to write about the specifics. Not because I’m censoring myself, but because I don’t want to talk about it right now. I will say that I felt something [...]
July 8th, 2010 at 4:48 pm
[...] have no idea what tomorrow will bring. Possibilities are everywhere. With each second, I am changing. Those boys don’t even know me anymore. You [...]