Oh Well

It amazes me that a person’s presence can have such a physical affect on someone else.  This corporeal influence is intensified when (a) the company of the unaffected is a surprise, and (b) the one affected has consumed two Jamesons, one sake cocktail, one glass of sangria, and two vodka drinks in the hours leading up to the other’s appearance.

Let me backtrack: I have been avoiding someone.  The extra steps that I am taking to accomplish this have been put into place as a means of saving myself from additional pain.  This potential increase in suffering would be caused by witnessing things that I do not want to see.  Previously I had attempted this course of action and I failed.  This time around, I was determined to succeed.  I knew that I would see him eventually, and I knew that in time the pain would cease.  My hope was for the latter to occur first.

That was not the case.

It is possible that the actuality of the situation and not specifically the person himself caused my body to react.  It was like fate dehumanized me.  I couldn’t hear; I couldn’t speak.  The universe was a wrecking ball swung right into my chest.  Devin said I was staring at the ground.  When my hand reached out to light his cigarette, I noticed that I was shaking.

“What’s that on your cigarette case?” I heard a girl ask.  I’m not sure how long we were sitting by her.  She sounded muffled to me.  It was like I was underwater.

I looked at her.  Devin looked concerned.  I heard my own voice.  “I have to go to the restroom.”  I thought it best to obey these words, so I went.  Once alone in the lavatory, I locked the door and looked in the mirror.  I put my hands over my face to assure myself that I was real; this was all very real.

When I got back outside, I told Devin we had to leave, but that I needed to say hello to the person I had been avoiding.  After all, he was not going to acknowledge me, although he knew I was there.  I wanted to deem him rude or uncaring and be done with it.  However, maybe he didn’t know if he should say hello.  In any case, I don’t hate him and I’m not angry.  I care about him and want him to be happy, I just don’t want to see it.  I suppose it’s normal to feel this way but still hurt so much.

So, as he walked outside to his table of friends, I approached him.  I hugged him and said hello, along with other awkward words that I can’t recall.  It was hard to tell if his reaction was one of insincerity or shock.  Perhaps he felt just as uneasy as I did.

He said I could stay; I said that I couldn’t.  I don’t know how his hand ended up in mine, but I squeezed it.  And I left.

4 Responses to “Oh Well”

  1. “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to…” | Keep My Words Says:

    [...] Keep My Words « Oh Well [...]

  2. Philosophical Idealism; Phantom Limb Syndrome | Keep My Words Says:

    [...] by using an “out of sight, out of mind” mentality. As I exercise this method, I have taken to avoiding someone. If I do not see him, then he does not exist. All of the hurt and disappointment slowly [...]

  3. Philosophical Idealism; Phantom Limb Syndrome (Reprise) | Keep My Words Says:

    [...] his new girlfriend walked in.  I assumed he would be soon to follow, and he [...]

  4. Syntax Without Semantics | Keep My Words Says:

    [...] strenuously. Instrumental elephants conjure justly. Plastic alliterations crawl honestly. Tangible memories hide bravely. Climactic sugar whispers enormously. Helpless lies abandon gently. Passionate thighs [...]

Leave a Reply