Self-ignominy Neurosis

Yesterday was not a good day.

I know why, but I’m not going to write about the specifics.  Not because I’m censoring myself, but because I don’t want to talk about it right now.  I will say that I felt something bad around me and inside of me.  It was all over me, everywhere I went.  Stupid worthless undeserving foolish fuck fuck fuck. That was the gist of my inner monologue.  It was a very consuming self-hatred that lingered throughout today.

So, yesterday and today I found myself cringing on the subway and cursing myself on the streets.  Attempts to will death were half-hearted.  I’m still waiting for something amazing to happen, I suppose.

The thoughts haunted me as I tried to fall asleep last night.  My lack of ability to control the awkward and insecure person inside of me is disappointing.  This enormous lack of normalcy is present in my actions and audible in my voice.  It is an impediment; an obstacle.

I’ve been experiencing spurts of insomnia.  Supposedly, insomnia itself is not a disease, but actually a symptom of another disorder.  Maybe being a blundering idiot at random points in time for no legitimate reason is my disorder, and insomnia is therefore a symptom.  I am far from a medical profession, but it seems plausible.  Self-ignominy neurosis. Has a nice ring to it, no?

Symptoms include but are not limited to: insomnia, forgetting to breathe, degrading one’s quality out-loud to oneself, having out-loud in-depth conversations with animals, back pain, extreme cynicism when faced with something wholesome, a fondness for major holidays with a related utmost affection for The Muppet Christmas Carol, untenable infatuations with specific members of the opposite sex (or same, depending on preference), glossophobia that is destructive in terms of personal and professional relationships, the inability to watch only one episode of LOST if there is the option of watching more, and the purchasing of chocolate-covered brownies at the bakery (yes, I did this today).

Treatments for temporary relief: Friends.  Music.  Drinking.  Dancing.  Tomorrow.

Currently, there is no known cure for self-ignominy neurosis.

I’m not overly concerned, just often agitated with my made-up disability.  I find comfort in something my mother once told me.  “You take the good with the bad,” she said.  “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”

Mom is a huge John Lennon fan.  I think he summed up the best self-ignominy neurosis treatment in a song lyric: “There’s nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.  It’s easy.  All you need is love.”

3 Responses to “Self-ignominy Neurosis”

  1. Michelle Says:

    I can relate to several of your symptoms Ashleigh. I have had some form of insomnia on and off since college. Infatuations unfortunately, and an obsession with browsing bakeries. Although I have felt a bit anti-social and awkward recently, I do feel that we need a night of music, drinking and dancing ASAP.

  2. Ashleigh Says:

    That’s right, I am supposed to get you out with me and Rona on a Sunday! I have your digits and you have mine. Let’s make it happen…

  3. Self-Destructive Behavior (SRBs & RSOs) | Keep My Words Says:

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