“I have this disease late at night sometimes, involving alcohol and the telephone.”

“I have this disease late at night sometimes, involving alcohol and the telephone.” – Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Slaughterhouse-Five

I’ve been drunk-texting a lot lately. More often than not, I wake the next day with the urge to text the recipient and apologize.  But I don’t.

It reminds me of a few months ago when I was at the duck talking to someone whom I had wronged years before.  She was never a close friend, rather a much-liked, often-encountered acquaintance.  In any case, I have never felt as much regret and guilt as I did over this betrayal.  At one point she asked me why I did it, and I said that there was no excuse; I messed up, and I could never take it back.

Much like a drunk text – once the message is sent, it cannot be retrieved; once the knife is in one’s back, the scar is inevitable. The text may be reviewed and shared among many; she found out what I had done, and I don’t doubt that others were told, too.

I remember the day she forgave me. We ran into each other at McCarren Pool, and she hugged me and said, “Grudges are for assholes. See you soon.”

But I digress, for this was not the conversation that I intended on talking about. On that particular day (a few months ago), we were discussing apologies in relation to drunk words spoken both aloud and via text.  She had decided to stop sending day-after-damage-control texts.

“What I’m saying is real,” she said. “I won’t apologize. I’m done apologizing.”

I’m done apologizing too. Not to friends for when I’m an asshole, but for how I feel or any awkwardness that I project. I won’t say I’m sorry for giving honesty,even when unrequested, or for drunk-texting regardless of how many candid thoughts or meaningless misspellings my message may contain.

It could be that drunk-texts are simply a way of saying “I’m thinking about you.” Or perhaps Vonnegut was right; maybe it is a disease.

3 Responses to ““I have this disease late at night sometimes, involving alcohol and the telephone.””

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