March 24th, 2004 (Entry # 6)

(Entry # 5)

(In black ballpoint pen, cursive handwriting:)

03.24.04

“I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad, the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I ever had.”  We’re both gonna feel nothing.  Or just he will, or just I will.  It’s one of those three.  Probably whatever will hurt me most.  Ah – just he will feel nothing.  I won’t cry though.  I shouldn’t, I won’t be surprised.  It’s ok, I know.  “It’s alright this time, I said.”  I feel it is so close to being magical, I just need reality to come and kick me down.  Why?  It seems so unfair.  Boys like me, why not this one?  I see them falling, I sense it and I smell it.  But if I don’t feel the same then why call them out on it?  Did I sense it this time?  Well now I don’t know.  I’m starting to not know anything anymore.  It’s so powerful, so consuming.  I can’t imagine the force when two people feel it together.  It must hurt with greatness.  It will make the cold warm and the bitter sweet.  It will be heavy.  It will never happen to me, and after this trip maybe I will be forced to research within me and discover why.  It must be me.  Alone and alone and I’ve been alone forever.  I need skin and lips and breath and eyes.  And smile.  Some never get it.  I may be some.  And that’s sad.

I was at the duck with Lauren last night.  We discussed the idea that people are conditioned to think and act certain ways as a result of previous experiences with relationships and one-sided attractions.

This is a thought that has long laid dormant in my blog notes.  It makes me think of my favorite scene in Wolf Creek where the psychopath severs the girl’s spine.  His intention was to keep her conscious but render her completely paralyzed from the neck down so that she could not run away but still provide him with information.  He called her a “head on a stick”.  I have many notes like this, like heads on sticks.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, partially due to this conditioning theory, I decided to take every decision I would normally make concerning matters of the heart and do the opposite.  Currently, I cannot tell if this is producing a positive or negative response, or neither.

Also, I think it’s worth mentioning that I am very happy with my life right now.  Familiar aches still persist, but overall, I’m dancing.

I’m dancing.

2 Responses to “March 24th, 2004 (Entry # 6)”

  1. March 25th, 2004 (Entry # 7 & Something I Realized) | Keep My Words Says:

    [...] Keep My Words « March 24th, 2004 (Entry # 6) [...]

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    [...] of Jameson and tequila consumption with the space heater on high and the usual mix of complete contentment and utter depression, when an idea came to [...]

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