March 28th, 2004 (Entry # 8, Prefaced By Another Talk with Justin)

And I thought the circle, it had an end,
I’m old enough to know.

-Charlotte Martin, “Sweet Chariot

(Entry # 7, but before # 8, yesterday:)

“Honest question: Your journal entries at the beginning of puberty are sooooo focused at finding love.  Obviously you’re not alone.”

I wondered where Justin was going with this one.  He continued.  “BUT do you think you put so much pressure on it being ‘perfect’ that you’ll never settle down with someone because it will never be perfect?”

I considered.  “I mean, sometimes i think along the lines of me wanting some ‘perfect’ love that is most likely nonexistent,” I started, “but super-honestly, I think i just… Maybe I pick the wrong guys? Or the wrong guys pick me?  Look at the last two guys I dated. They were not perfect but i felt so strongly for them, and then they both dicked me over.”

“Hm.  Yeah.  So maybe you’re the other kind of person,” he said.  “A suggestion, if I may: You run in the same circles all the time, and not for nothing, but most of the guys I’ve met through you are great, I just don’t think that most of them are at the same point in their lives as you are.  So maybe you should widen that circle a bit.”

I sighed.  “I’ve been realizing my circle recently.  I think I don’t know how to break out of it, to widen it.”

“Yeah it’s tough,” he agreed.  “I’ll have to think about that.”

There are only three more entries in this old journal (followed by some strange poetry whose publication I am debating, though knowing me I probably will), then back to the closet it goes… or the bookshelf… or under the bed.

(In black ballpoint pen, cursive handwriting:)

3.28.4

I wanna kiss him I want to kiss him into another world where I don’t even care if I breathe.  I wanna be warm with him.  I want him to feel me.  But I just really want that moment.  That nonexistent likely impossible moment.  Where the world stops.  It’s only on TV.  I watch too many movies.

One Response to “March 28th, 2004 (Entry # 8, Prefaced By Another Talk with Justin)”

  1. April 6th, 2004 (Entry # 9 & A Juncture) | Keep My Words Says:

    [...] Keep My Words « March 28th, 2004 (Entry # 8, Prefaced By Another Talk with Justin) [...]

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