Keep My Words

Here’s a conversation I have had many times with various people:

“I love zombie movies. They are my absolute favorite,” I say in any discussion about filmgoing, or when no one is conversing at all and I just want to talk about horror movies.

“Me too,” many will claim. But most never fail to disappoint me when they follow up with, “Like 28 Days Later. That was an awesome zombie movie.”

At this point I usually shake my head, throw my hands in the air, and say, “28 Days Later was not a zombie movie. It was a movie about infected people.”

Cue debate, and usually agree to disagree.

The misclassification of zombies by my peers distresses me.

I am fully aware that the dictionary definition of zombie is:

(in voodoo) the body of a dead person given the semblance of life, but mute and will-less, by a supernatural force, usually for some evil purpose.
(informal) a person whose behavior or responses are wooden, listless, or seemingly rote; automaton.

That considered, we can witness zombies in various films (in voodoo) as well as in our every day lives (informal). But zombies in cinema are traditionally people who have died and come back to life with only a hunger for human flesh. One could say that I am a conservative zombie lover; I prefer zombies to be slow and stupid. However, I will not discredit the zombie-ness of a reanimated corpse that feeds on the flesh of the living solely because it’s quick on its feet (see the Dawn of the Dead 2004 remake and the lovely new film Zombieland).

I am not denying that the oldest zombie film is actually White Zombie (1932), in which the dead did not feast on the living. However I am claiming that zombies were not properly identified until over 30 years later in George Romero’s 1968 black-and-white masterpiece, Night of the Living Dead. Romero brilliantly continued his Dead movies as a trilogy through 1985 (Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead). In 2005 he released the much anticipated Land of the Dead followed by Diary of the Dead in 2007. The latter films leave something to be desired, but they in no way deduct from Romero’s genius. His next film, Survival of the Dead is said to be coming out this year, but I have no knowledge of a specific release date.

Please note that although they were generally comedic, I am somewhat accepting of the Return of the Living Dead zombies. Maybe it is because of their tie to the Romero films.  Romero worked with John Russo for the original 1968 film. When they parted ways, Russo retained the rights to any titles featuring “Living Dead”. Hence why Romero’s sequel are all “...of the Dead”. Unfortunately, the Return of the Living Dead zombies only ate brains, which negates their true zombie status.

Also, cannibals are not zombies. Cannibals are simply people who eat people. Therefore, Cannibal Holocaust, though a fine film, is not a zombie movie. Additionally, the undead in Dead Snow do not qualify as zombies. They didn’t even eat people! Terribly disappointing, albeit I did enjoy the dismemberment scene.

So, back to 28 Days Later. Might I take this moment to mention that I actually enjoyed 28 Weeks Later more? The first twenty minutes alone were amazing, and the eye gouging scene was glorious. In any case, both of those films were delightful, but they were not zombie movies. They were about an infection, and the diseased people did not die in order to become contaminated. Additionally, they didn’t kill people to infect them, and they certainly didn’t devour human flesh as all real zombies do.

That’s right, I said real zombies. There is a separate but related debate that I find myself in:

“Why do people even need guns? Like, why would someone need an AK-47?” someone will ask.

“Because they want one, maybe they collect guns. People collect knives and swords. As long as they are responsible with it, who cares?,” I’ll reply. (This conversation also usually ends with me saying “Agree to disagree.”)

“Yeah, but some people aren’t responsible and they kill shopping malls full of innocent people. If there were no guns, then the world would be a better place,” my opponent declares.

“Yes, and if there were magical fairies flying around granting wishes, the world would be a better place too. But there are gun and there are no magical fairies,” I say with a sigh.

They won’t let it go. “But why? Why would someone need a gun?”

I know it’s a pointless debate. I don’t want to get into it with him/her about how fun the shooting range is, or how I collect shit that others would think foolish. So, I respond with what my brother told me years ago when I asked him why he needed so many guns.

“Think about it. You’re out camping. And then, a zombie attacks you. Wouldn’t you want a fucking gun?”