Keep My Words

Mitchell is going to eat one million peanuts in 24 hours.

We decided to research the logistics of this operation.

To eat one million peanuts in 24 hours, Mitchell will have to consume approximately 41,667 peanuts an hour. That’s about 695 nuts per minute, or 12 nuts per second. After discussing this, we concluded that the best method would be to take in more than 12 at a time, not necessarily 12 per second.

For $4.98, we can purchase a 2 lb. 3 oz. container of Planters peanuts. (Mitchell is partial to Planters.) With a serving size of 35 nuts, the container holds approximately 35 servings. That means there is something in the ballpark of 1,225 peanuts in this vessel. By dividing the one million peanuts needed by the 1,225 peanuts that are available for purchase at the cost of $4.98, it was determined that $4,063.68 would be needed to reach this goal.

Even collectively, Mitchell and I do not have $4,063.68 to invest into this amazing feat.

We discussed the possibility of grants, or of Planters maybe funding the effort. In the event that Planters would donate one million peanuts (whole pieces, not the halves), Mitchell would agree to consume them publicly. If we qualified for grants, the event would take place at his home.

Obviously, none of this is going to happen. Mitchell is not going to be able to eat one million peanuts in 24 hours, and he will probably never even make the attempt.

In any case, I support him. I try and support all of my friends in everything they do as long as it is not harmful to themselves or others. (If you think that eating one million peanuts in 24 hours is harmful to the person devouring them, then you haven’t seen Mitchell eat like I have. I have witnessed him consume pounds and pounds of BBQ, and immediately go out dancing afterwards. I have seen him eat sugar cookies as though they were potato chips before Thanksgiving dinner. In a fight against food, Mitchell will always prevail… except for Pierre Maspero’s Fried Seafood Platter in New Orleans. That is a dish that no man can conquer alone, not even Mitchell.)

There are a lot of things we say we are going to do – bands we are going to start, places we are going to go, artistic endeavors we are going to undertake. A lot of these plans end up on the shelf, which is fine as long as everyone is happy.

Considering my resignation from work and my perpetual post-non-relationship relationship confusion, I have decided to take some of these things off of the shelf. One is obviously my writing, for which I have started this ridiculously cathartic blog. And because I am taking a harmony class, I am confident that my keyboard will be seeing more attention in the months ahead. Also, I bought an easel, some paints, paintbrushes, and a canvas.

“I’m going to be an artist,” I told Mitchell.

“I know. And I’m going to eat a million peanuts,” he said.

It’s nice when you have the support of your friends.

Mitchell and Pierre Maspero’s Fried Seafood Platter in New Orleans (above)

Mitchell and the 2 lb. 3 oz. container of Planters Peanuts (below)